Most of my life was complete isolation. I lived inside my head. I was extremely Depressed and had terrible Anxiety. I was timid of everything and felt like these things had a grip on my life. In my mind I had no control, and I did not think I could escape what I was feeling. All I ever wanted to do was escape. I played video games, made YouTube videos, and also did live streams. I actually enjoyed all of these things but was doing very worldly things. The words that I would speak was not life but death. I cursed myself and others. I did not have many friends. I had one guy friend and was in a very bad relationship. I was very verbally abusive and she was physically abusive. Looking back now it was all pointless and realistically was not going to work. After awhile I was no longer friends with the only friend that I had. And shortly after that my girlfriend at the time started to distance herself. She eventually left me and now I have absolutely nobody. I’m now constantly sitting at home in isolation. I’m extremely Depressed and want to end my life. I never had the power to end my own life and I’m thankful for that. In my mind I was alone but God was working throughout everything.
I was so alone that I began screaming at God in my house. Nobody was ever home and I would just SCREAM!! “God how the F!! Could you do this”. I said horrible things to the God who literally created me. The God who put me together. My heart was hurting and I was being real with him. That I do not regret! I rather be real, and not mechanical like people in church. Over time my life completely changed. God saved me from the darkness. He set me free from Depression and Anxiety. And I’m not a slave to these things. I’m not a slave to fear. My God is a good father who is still working today. He totally transformed my life.
Things that I’m still learning is that the mind is a huge target for the enemy. And I’m someone who thinks every single scenario. Renewing my mind is the hardest thing to understand. But the Bible is truth and I want to believe all of Gods word. Thank you Jesus for continuing to grow me, and thank you for so many amazing brothers and sisters. I am still growing and you always make a way.