Allowing oneself to be vulnerable or transparent isn’t always an easy thing to do. I want to take some time to be completely honest with everyone about what has been going on in my life for the past five months. This is not an easy post for me to write but the past five months have not been easy at all. I haven’t been doing the typical things that you would think someone who called themselves a disciple of Jesus would do at all. I haven’t been going out and sharing the gospel, I haven’t been going out and praying for people. When I moved from Carthage, Missouri to Springfield, Missouri, I thought there would be a lot more opportunities to pray for people and to share the gospel.
Within days of moving, I secured a job that I believed was from God and I still do believe God has me at that job for a reason. I have learned a lot about myself from working there, including that I am not as strong in my faith as I believed myself to be. The place I work is not a spiritually friendly environment; half of the employees mock God and do not believe. I allowed it to affect me negatively and began to backslide to the point where I didn’t even know what I believed anymore. This went on for about four months. I began to deal with stress, depression, and anxiety again. I turned to things of the world to relieve it instead of turning to God. For almost three and a half months I did not pray or read my bible at all. There were a few times I cried out to God for help but still wasn’t ready to accept the help that He was giving me. I hurt people around me and was verbally abusive to those I lived with. I was slowly reverting to the person I was before being born again. These are not things that I am proud of but at the same time, I am not ashamed because I know God is using it to build my character and to help me become an even stronger disciple.
I believed that I could deal with this on my own and solve the issue that was going on in my heart but I couldn’t it was more out of self-preservation and fear that I haven’t shared what has been going on in my life the past five months. I finally reached out to a brother in Christ and asked for prayer. I was tired of hurting and tired of hearing the voices in my head that I dealt with constantly on a day-to-day basis. I was tired of feeling like I was living in a cage not able to be free, not able to control my actions once I got angry. The day he prayed for me the voices stopped. The lies I was listening to no longer had power over me. Since receiving prayer I have been doing a lot better. I know there is still healing that needs to take place and renewing of the mind. I am thankful to have a family in Christ that never gave up on me and who kept reaching out to me even if I was not completely honest with everything that was going on. I am thankful that our God is a loving God who never gives up and wants us to come back to Him with repentant hearts. I will be completely honest, there are a few things I am still struggling with but I am working through it with my fellowship here in Springfield and with my sisters in Christ that I live with. Every day it seems like God is softening my heart more and more toward him and what he has for me and toward those around me to the point where I am more willing to allow people in and allow them to know what’s really going on.
I want to start being more vulnerable with everyone and transparent with what is happening in my life. I am planning to start giving more frequent updates and maybe even making a section to be more like a Journal of what is going on in my life and to talk about what I am learning and the things God is doing.
A verse that I have been holding close to my heart lately is:
Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make straight your path.
If your struggling please don’t be afraid to reach out to someone you trust. Don’t give up, God has amazing plans for you. Feel free to reach out to me as well. We are a body and need to be here for one another.
This has been just a short testimony of what has been going on the past few months but I know things are going to continue to get better and I am excited to see what God is going to do the next few months.
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